Chapter Twenty Five - Bah, humbug!

Is it Christmas again, already?

Bah, humbug.

I'm not a fan of Christmas. It's a time when cheery people force you to be happy by proclaiming: "Cheer up, it's Christmas!"

If I want cheering up, I'll do something cheerful. I wouldn't be fighting over the last 40" High Definition TV on Black Friday. I wouldn't voluntarily be crushed to death in the Trafford Centre. And neither would I exchange petty pleasantries with people I don't really get on with - my work colleagues!

So, I'll quite happily be Mr Scrooge this year, put my head down and get on with the rest of my life throughout December. Because, even though it's December and Christmas time, all the other crap that we do throughout the other 11 month of the year still needs doing. Go to work and pay the bills etcetera.

The only difference is I get people telling me to be happy.

Be happy in December...? The weather is bloody miserable!

Chapter Twenty Four - Whistle abuse!

Child abuse is acceptable in western society. Yes, you read that correctly.

It is a stone cold fact that children are subject to horrendous abuse, often in broad daylight and in locations as public as the local park. The abusers are often three times the child’s age and twice as big. But it’s not just one person handing out the abuse. Sometimes it can be up to twenty or thirty fully grown adults all abusing one child under the age of 16 on their own in the middle of the field. Judging from the behaviour of these people, they consider child abuse to be perfectly acceptable in a civilised western society despite the majority having kids of their own. It makes it worse when I tell you most of the time very little is done to prevent or defend the child from the abuse handed to them.

It’s a shocking scenario, but it happens more commonly and more locally than you dare to think. Judging from many people’s behaviour across the country, child abuse seems to be perfectly acceptable if the child walks onto a sports field with a whistle or flag in their hand.

“Hang on a minute, that isn’t child abuse” I hear you cry. “Abuse comes with the territory of being a referee.”

You’re wrong!

There is a difference between being critical of a referee and abusing them. Abuse is when it becomes personal to the individual, and as a result affects their performance on the field. It is not fair for referees as young as 14 years-old to accept that sort of behaviour. Unfortunately it happens across the country and in the grassroots of many different sports.

It is on playing fields up and down the country where junior players develop into the sporting stars we see today, who play in front of thousands of people and the millions more who watch on television. Unfortunately for the easily frustrated of parents who think their kid will be the next David Beckham, these fields also harvest the young people who have ambitions to control games at the highest level of what they do. Because of this the boy (or girl) in the middle will get decisions wrong, in the same way little Jonny will make the wrong choice and have his pass intercepted by the opposition. But no one will approach little Jonny with red mist and demand to know why they made a certain decision.

Just because a child wears a black kit and takes to the field with a whistle doesn’t justify them being called a “f*cking blind c*nt” or a “bent b@stard” by a fully grown adult when they miss an incident. Because they have a certain level of authority over their sons or daughters, parents shouldn’t treat junior referees like they would to Howard Webb or Mark Clattenburg in a Premier League game. No adult would do that to any other child in the world, and if they did there would be police action. It’s ultimately staggering to think that attitudes and behaviour to referees doesn’t change when you take away the 28 year-old experienced full timer, and replace them with an innocent year nine high school student who is about to take charge of their first match.

It’s taken for granted as a referee that they have to take a lot of criticism because spectators cannot accept the man in the middle’s decisions. As a result assaults on referees are on the increase, with 330 being committed across England this season. As a match official myself for the Rugby Football League (different sport but the principles still apply) I don’t expect everyone to agree with decisions made on the field. Most of that is because coaches and parents don’t know all the rules, but referees can’t submit abuse reports every time a parent shouts “He is offside” or claims their team should be awarded a penalty. That is not abuse.

However spectators and parents need to learn to accept a referee’s decision, especially when that person with the whistle is young and inexperienced.

It’s an old and terrible cliché but without a referee there would be no game. Unless there is a crackdown on these parents and spectators who insist on making an officials’ job more difficult, we could be looking at more referees strikes similar to that of Scottish football but at grassroots level.

Chapter Twenty Three - Royal barf!

In April of this year Prince William with marry Kate Middleton at Westminster Abby.

Like at any other wedding, one member of the family will probably consume one too many lager shandys before getting their cock out on the dance floor, and quite literally making a right royal tit of themselves. Let’s face it; every family has at least one. The favourite to do so as it stands (in my mind) is Prince Harry priced at 2/1, closely followed by the Duke of Edinburgh at 3/1. Prince Andrew remains a bleak outsider at 10/1.

Speaking of Harry, it will be curious to know how he intends to perform his best man duties. Will he be as sober as a judge or as drunk as a Lord? My money is certainly on the latter. But seriously, if you’re compelled to place a cheeky bet on this year’s wedding of the year then look no further than your regular high street bookie. They seem to have this market more cornered than David Haye on Audley Harrison, only without the fighting. (Note to self, set up market on whether Phillip and Charles will come to blows during the reception.)

There are dozens of different specials you can throw your money away on. These include the obvious such as the colour of the bride’s dress and the colour of the Queen’s hat, to the down right stupid such as whether the wedding car will break down or if Kate’s father will cry walking her down the aisle. Incidentally Paddy Power seems to think the colour of the dress will be ivory, and the Queen will wear at light blue hat. I’d like her to turn up in a flat cap, waistcoat and replace the corgis for greyhounds. Maybe that’s just me having grown up in Lancashire.

The same Irish bookmakers have it odds on that William will wear his RAF uniform. Fair play on that one in my opinion, but I think it will come as a surprise to many that the couple have broken away from tradition, and instead the groom will actually get a choice as to what he wants to wear on the big day. He has decided to instruct his best man to pick the suits. Don’t be surprised to see them both in either an SS uniform or a fancy dress toga outfit. Surprisingly none of these were obvious choices at Patrick’s bookies, but instead you can get great prices for William to wear a Burberry suit (33/1) or one from M&S (100/1.)

Amazingly the people’s republic of potatoes and leprechauns has dared to set a price of whether the couple will be divorced by 2020. 10/1 says yes. Now I’m a patriot to this great country and find it shocking that anyone would set up a market on such a thing. As a betting man even I am personally refusing to put money on this… so I’ve got my mate to do it instead. I’ve also opted to take a chance on whether the couple will have a child before April 1^st, 2013. Unfortunately there are no markets that offer a choice of where the couple will conceive, or what position.

But if you’re like our republic friends from across the western sea, and are finding the whole royal wedding build up a bit too much then take a look at what a local small business woman has begun selling.

Royal wedding sick bags are available from www.lydialeith.bigcartel.com (no joke) and come in either the patriotic colours of red and white or blue and white. They’re perfect to keep holding onto if you’re feeling just that little bit queasy as William and Kate lock lips for the first time as husband and wife. At £3 per bag, not only is it the best wedding souvenir in the market but it’s most almost certainty the best royal wedding investment you will ever make.

Chapter Twenty Two - May the force be with you. Amen!

It was announced this week that Ladbrokes are offering odds of 4/1 that 390,000 people will list ‘Jedi’ as their religion in next month’s census.

That seems like a very tempting offer, especially when you consider 390,000 Star Wars fans (who else?) did exactly that ten years ago, and the figure is expected to rise this time. May the force be with them.

There is no reason why we should take this forthcoming 32-page document seriously, especially when we have to provide so much information to both public and private companies to purchase the simplest of items anyway. I have half a mind to list my name as Captain Kirk Woodward.

Over the past ten years companies in both the business and retail sectors have acquired so much information about ourselves, they could easily conduct their own census based on the information we have already provided. If you have a Tesco Clubcard, then they know exactly what you buy and how often you buy it. Ever wondered why you get a voucher for half price off your favourite brand of cereal? It’s not a coincidence. They could easily estimate how many people are living in your household judging by the amount of food is bought. Combine that with NHS medical records that will no doubt have your height and weight on file and could then be used to determine if you buy for a family of five or if you’re just a fat bastard.

Then there are your National Insurance and Income Tax details that the government ALREADY HAVE. It begs the question how hard can it be to combine all that information together, along with company questionnaires, to save us the trouble of filling in another fucking survey?

I can’t express my point much further than what I am about to write next. As I type this out my Dad is going about renewing his car insurance. He has been on the phone for the last twenty minutes, passing on what seems like a million and one different pieces of information about him and the rest of the family. Why does a car insurance company need to know that he has a 17-year-old daughter, who can’t drive and has never applied for a provisional licence? Why do they need to know who his parents are and that one of them is in a care home? And WHY do they need to know your occupation? I’ve never understood that. Unless your Jenson Button or Lewis Hamilton it doesn’t bloody matter, and even then I can’t see Hamilton using his McLaren racing car just to nip to the shops for a pint of milk, loaf of bread and a porn mag.

Back to my original point, the census is outdated. It is an early version of Big Brother Britain that has existed since 1801. Except in the early nineteenth century, no information was taken other than a head count in each household. Since 1841 more and more information was required, such as the names of each person. These days, in a post-internet age, there is no reason why a government user of Facebook couldn’t collect all this information about us.

Census’ are like piss poor surveys anyway. The 1871 census asked if any member of the family was an imbecile, an idiot or a lunatic. Seriously! Why does a census also need to know if you own a car, and has done since 1966? Is this not on the DVLA’s records? And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, why did the 1991 census ask if your house had central heating installed?

Insane!

Chapter Twenty One - The nanny state strikes again.

·         The news that a mother has been cautioned by police for leaving her 14 year-old son to look after his baby brother for half and hour has shocked me.

During the 30 minutes the mother was away, there was no incident and the baby was never in any danger during that time. Neither is there a law to state how old a child needs to be in order to be left home alone. And yet this anonymous parent has been officially cautioned by over-zealous police, who were probably bored on a routine patrol.

In my opinion it should be up to the parent to decide if the teenager is old enough and mature enough to look after his sibling, not the authorities. The mother probably only nipped to the shops, only to come home with more than she bargained for.

It is a pretty sad state of affairs if sad bureaucratic officials say a mature minded young adult cannot be left in charge of the house for a small amount of time. Children cannot be wrapped in cotton wool for all of their lives. They must be given freedom and responsibility so they can grow up maturely.

Chapter Twenty - Sacking for sacked sake!

Another week, another TV personality facing the sack.

For the benefit of those who have a life, Sunday’s Dancing on Ice turned ugly as the show’s “evil” judge Jason Gardiner was forced to apologise after doing his job.

Jason nearly came to blows with the show’s dancing coach Karen Barber after he made some harsh comments on war-hero Johnson Beharry’s routine with partner, Jodeyne Higgins. Karen took offence to Jason’s opinion and squared up to him live on air, like a pissed up Geordie lass at 2am desperate for a fight.

Now producers are under pressure to remove the show’s most entertaining and knowledgeable judge after over 2,000 complains were made to Ofcom. If Ofcom had any sense they’d throw all 2,000 complains into the trash, along with Emma Bunton’s piss poor solo records.

I’m not a fan of the show by any means, but from what I’ve seen Jason has done nothing wrong. As far as I’m concerned he is worthy to judge on ice dancing and says it as it is, regardless of if you’re a war-hero or the spoilt offspring from a famous television marriage.

The fact that Beharry is a recipient of the Victorian Cross shouldn’t exclude him from any criticism based on his performances on the show. It is after all a competition, something that fans of all talent shows seem to be forgetting when the judges get their say.

Jason Gardiner, Simon Cowell and Craig Revel Horwood are all perceived as the harsh critic on their respective shows. Each week they are subject to enormous jeers after a competitor has performed badly, by the soft-minded audiences who think competitiveness means just taking part. Its not!

If you take part in a competition you have to accept criticism when you perform badly. Many people can’t grasp that idea. This mind set stems from Labour’s emphasis on children simply taking part in school sports. Sports days at schools don’t have any winners or losers which is wrong. Life is a competition whether you’re applying for a job, or chasing after that special someone. If you fail to teach competitiveness then that child won’t become strong when they enter the real world.

Jason Gardiner was put on a judging panel to judge ice dancing. Following those orders could cost him his job if the motherly nature of ITV’s viewers becomes too much for the channel’s spineless producers.

Chapter Nineteen - Google predicts... your all fucking wierd.

You would be amazed by what Google tries to predict when your typing in a search these days. It predicts what your typing in based on your first letters and words and gives you a list of popular complete searches that it thinks your after.

But some predictions seem a little strange if you ask me. If this is really what the world is thinking, we are living with a bunch of weirdos in my opinion. Below are genuine predictions to what Google thinks we're searching. If you don't believe me type the first few words into Google yourself.

Why is there... a dead pakistani on my couch.

Why is... a raven like a writing desk.

Where does... Cheryl Cole/Miley Cirus/ Katie Price/Robert Pattison live? (We're all a bunch of stalkers apparently)

Why does... my vag smell?

Why can't I... get a girlfriend?

Why can't... humans fly?

Have you ever d... rank Baileys from a shoe?

Why are... black people so ugly?

Why are... people racist?

Is it wrong... to finger yourself?

Is it wrong... to sleep with your cousin?

Is it wrong... to sleep with your sister?

Is it wrong... to have an affair?

Do g... uys like pubic hair?


I need a... poo.

Is a... banana a herb?

I  like to p... lay with myself.

Who took... the jam out of your doughnut?

Why is my... poop green?

Can I have a... go on your baps?

I feel like... a pig shat in my head.