Chapter Twenty Two - May the force be with you. Amen!

It was announced this week that Ladbrokes are offering odds of 4/1 that 390,000 people will list ‘Jedi’ as their religion in next month’s census.

That seems like a very tempting offer, especially when you consider 390,000 Star Wars fans (who else?) did exactly that ten years ago, and the figure is expected to rise this time. May the force be with them.

There is no reason why we should take this forthcoming 32-page document seriously, especially when we have to provide so much information to both public and private companies to purchase the simplest of items anyway. I have half a mind to list my name as Captain Kirk Woodward.

Over the past ten years companies in both the business and retail sectors have acquired so much information about ourselves, they could easily conduct their own census based on the information we have already provided. If you have a Tesco Clubcard, then they know exactly what you buy and how often you buy it. Ever wondered why you get a voucher for half price off your favourite brand of cereal? It’s not a coincidence. They could easily estimate how many people are living in your household judging by the amount of food is bought. Combine that with NHS medical records that will no doubt have your height and weight on file and could then be used to determine if you buy for a family of five or if you’re just a fat bastard.

Then there are your National Insurance and Income Tax details that the government ALREADY HAVE. It begs the question how hard can it be to combine all that information together, along with company questionnaires, to save us the trouble of filling in another fucking survey?

I can’t express my point much further than what I am about to write next. As I type this out my Dad is going about renewing his car insurance. He has been on the phone for the last twenty minutes, passing on what seems like a million and one different pieces of information about him and the rest of the family. Why does a car insurance company need to know that he has a 17-year-old daughter, who can’t drive and has never applied for a provisional licence? Why do they need to know who his parents are and that one of them is in a care home? And WHY do they need to know your occupation? I’ve never understood that. Unless your Jenson Button or Lewis Hamilton it doesn’t bloody matter, and even then I can’t see Hamilton using his McLaren racing car just to nip to the shops for a pint of milk, loaf of bread and a porn mag.

Back to my original point, the census is outdated. It is an early version of Big Brother Britain that has existed since 1801. Except in the early nineteenth century, no information was taken other than a head count in each household. Since 1841 more and more information was required, such as the names of each person. These days, in a post-internet age, there is no reason why a government user of Facebook couldn’t collect all this information about us.

Census’ are like piss poor surveys anyway. The 1871 census asked if any member of the family was an imbecile, an idiot or a lunatic. Seriously! Why does a census also need to know if you own a car, and has done since 1966? Is this not on the DVLA’s records? And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, why did the 1991 census ask if your house had central heating installed?

Insane!